Breathing Easier

Today we saw Dr. Macke, down here at the Riley clinic out at Gateway. Gabe is 20 lbs now, which is nice gain in weight, but we didn't gain any percentile points - about the same. He told us about what we would have expected - still something to keep an eye on, but at least good that he didn't continue to drop. Head circumference is still above average and height is around average. (Gabe is standing next to the couch, really working to reach the computer - I'm typing at an odd angle with my legs brace to stop a fall, so forgive typos). Since Gabe is doing so well, it was a pretty uneventful visit. He flirted up a storm with the nurses - showed off all of his tricks, plus one we hadn't seen before. He started patty-caking and then made the rolling-up motion with his arms, which is new. He waved, clapped, blew kisses and smiled his big, wide-open mouthed snaggle-toothed grins. He charmed everyone. I kind of thought after a winter of seclusion, he would be wary of strangers (and he went through a very brief stranger awareness phase) but he doesn't seem to know any at this point.

Everyone is his potential new best friend. In mass on Sunday, he kept swiveling back and forth, smiling and blowing kisses to the young boy in front us while alternately smiling and waving to the people in the pew behind us. Afterwards, several people came up to us, happy to see us together in church as a family. That single hour, in church all together, made it a happy mother's day. Sometimes when you sit down with a baby in tow, you can see the mental groan as the people around you wonder why you aren't sitting in the cry room and also wondering if they will hear anything that goes on. Any time I looked around to see where Gabe was looking, there was someone smiling back at those huge rosey cheeks, smiling at them. Even the older boys were good, which is saying something. When the day was over and the older boys were tucked into bed and actually quiet, Gabe was also scrubbed, freshly diapered and we were settled in the big chair with the empty milk bottle on the side table, his little lashes resting on rosey cheeks with softly parted lips as his breathing changed - letting me know he was asleep - I was struck. Struck by memories that had faded to embers, still glowing, still there, but in the background, not commanding immediate attention. What could this Mother's Day have been like if only... Would I have even wanted to acknowledge it, if things had been different. How does a mother celebrate this day when somebody is missing - I don't know, and I am grateful a glimpse is all I have...a possible feeling of what might've been, just a maybe, but not a reality. That maybe was enough to cause a burning in my eyes and ache in my chest, an urge to squeeze and hold on too tightly to the sleeping child in my arms was carefully resisted. In that moment I said a prayer for the mothers who face not just a holiday with somebody missing, but every day. Not a prayer of understanding - for I know I don't fully get it and couldn't possibly - but a prayer of compassion.

On a lighter note - and to finish where the post began - Dr. Macke said we didn't need to come back until the fall. The winter is over, Gabe is perfectly healthy, and there is nothing more to discuss until another cold and flu season looms before us. So we are breathing easier. We are venturing out and Gabe is enjoying playing outside, going along to the store or out to eat. He smiles at everyone. His brothers enjoy having him along too. It's all so normal, so sweetly normal. We still have feeding issues and weight issues and he is still a little behind in the crawling/walking/pulling up areas, but we are getting there.

Please keep the Fleig's in your prayers. Jackson's patch has slipped and his kidney has moved up. He has surgery on Friday to repair his patch and put the errant kidney back in place. Ellen is a surgical nurse at Riley, so she knows more than is probably comfortable. Too much information is not always comforting when on the other side.