All in good time

At work the other day I was going through a drawer looking for something...probably a pen, since I am constantly picking them up and laying them back down in mysterious places...anyway, I found this photocopy of ultrasound pictures. I picked it up and just looked at the ultrasound images of Gabe, before we knew much about him, just that he existed and we loved him. We had so many ultrasounds and I wondered which set of images I was gazing at. I was caught off guard when I looked at the date. Can you see it? February 12th, which happened to be the same date, one year previous. Instantly I remembered the circumstances of this ultrasound. All of the amnio results were back and they were all normal. This was our 'false sense of security' phase. A few weeks prior, it had been suggested that we go to IU for a second opinion. We discussed it and decided we wanted to wait a few weeks and repeat the ultrasound. At the time we hoped maybe every abnormality found in the innitial ultrasound would resolve itself and maybe there wasn't anything wrong at all. Looking back I couldn't say if we were clinging to false hope or if we really believed he was fine. By this time I felt in my heart we would see him grow up, that eventually everything would be fine, but I couldn't completely shake the feeling that there was more to it. I just knew that at 20 weeks, if something were to happen he would not survive no matter where he was born or what the ultimate diagnosis was, so we decided to wait and see if time solved everything. February 12th was the repeat ultrasound we pinned our hopes on. Hope that all was well after all. Hope that we would breathe a sigh of relief at our big scare, relax and enjoy all of the normal planning that comes with the anticipation of a new baby in the family. As we got situated in the dark room, I took a deep breath and told myself everything was fine, willed it to be confirmed on that screen in the corner. The familiar images appeared and as much as I wanted to watch the miracle of our third child, I found myself studying the face of the ultrasound tech, looking for clues. I finally asked about what she saw. Many of the initial abnormalities actually had resolved, but the most worrisome - the fluid around his heart - had not changed. We knew then it was time to take the medical advice, take the second opinion and hope for the best. You all know the rest of the story.

Gabe is 8, nearly 9 months old. It is incredible to think that we have yet to reach the one year mark from finally getting that all important diagnosis. As difficult as it was to hear it, if we hadn't known ahead of time, if time had been wasted figuring out what was wrong after he was born, he wouldn't be here. I can only imagine how conflicted our doctors must have felt when we first chose not to take the trip up to IU. I am sure they must have feard we were being foolish. Timing is everything and we don't really accept coincidence anymore. We felt so strongly that waiting, even just a few weeks, was the best decision. Who knows, maybe the DH wouldn't have shown up on that MRI if we had gone sooner, or maybe we just needed a little more time to live in ignorance, savor the normal amnio results and feel that hope (even if it was false hope, it strengthened us somehow). That may not be the case, but I can't help but feel there was some reason for the timing. We believe so strongly that He has provided guidance all along, even if we didn't see it right away. Timing has been key throughout all of this and I can't dismiss our need to wait, second-guessing it now doesn't accomplish anything anyway. By the time we heard the actual diagnosis, we had already gone through the terror of the amnio and the implications of all that we could be facing, had gone through the "false sense of security" phase, and I think we were just ready to know what was going on and know what could be done. We were as ready to face the truth as we were going to be, and finally able to handle it. So the story goes anyway...

There are some more pictures below, or at least there will be shortly...