"I Came Here to Live"

Gabriel had a routine checkup with Dr. Rouse this morning and it is amazing how quickly we were in and out and on our way. There wasn't much to say! Dr. Rouse, Gabe's surgeon for those who don't remember, came in and just stood in the doorway smiling at a very active Gabe who was grunting and trying to climb into a big chair. Gabe made it up into the chair unaided, plopped his little pamper-butt down and grinned at each of us. There was no doubt in his mind he would make it - never has been, I don't think. We talked for a bit and the boys filled Dr. Rouse in on our recent excursion to the Smokey Mountains as Gabe climbed up and down the chairs and explored the room, stopping now and then to identify (usually incorrectly) the colored tiles on the floor. Eventually we got around to the exam, which was pretty unremarkable. His ribcage isn't pulled in as tightly as it was 6 months ago, which is good. We were a little concerned that since it was pulled in so much due to the scar tissue and the size of his patch, improvement in his rib cage COULD be a sign that the patch was coming undone. Since there have been no other symptoms, Dr. Rouse didn't think so but we have scheduled a yearly xray in November before we see him again to monitor the patch. We know if we get worried, either he or our pediatrician will order the xray sooner to ease our minds. We are so thankful for the "normal" life we have been leading for the last year, but sometimes it brings on a slight sense of unease...it can't really be this easy can it? Shouldn't we still be dealing with problems? medications? medical equipment? therapy at least?? He doesn't need any of it and is thriving...up to a whopping 30 lbs! We have reached that lovely place where there has been just enough time and distance that while we have not forgotten all that has transpired (not expecting or really even hoping for that) but it can sit on the back burner and we can enjoy where we are today. We continue to pray this stretch of good health holds out for all of our boys, just as we continue to pray for those who are not so fortunate as we are.

MOST of the time, we live from day to day and don't dwell on what has been, but Sunday night we went back in time, just for a moment. After a long day of packing up, driving home and then unpacking from a wonderful few days away from the "real world", Josh and I were unwinding on the couch and flipping channels after three exhausted little boys had been tucked in for the night. We landed on a GAC special featuring Trace Adkins on his 10 day USO tour. It was a little emotional for me coming from a military family, but not unexpected or overwhelming. But I was not prepared for one stanza in one song I had not heard before. One of the soldiers had tattooed a line from a Trace Adkins song on his wrists. One wrist stated "I came here to live" the other read, "I didn't come here to die". It was moving and touching to see what the song meant to the soldier and how much the soldier's actions meant to the artist, and when the recording of the live USO performance of the song began, I expected a little mist in the eyes or a lump in the throat, but not the sudden surge of raw emotions that had nothing to do with the patriotic nostalgia and worry that comes from being a "military brat". The last verse of the song Trace had written cut like a sharp knife on a barely healing wound.

The verse goes like this:
"For eighteen days all I remember
Was settin' there at his side
Sayin' son open up your eyes
Just open up your eyes
'Cause you came here to live
You didn't come here to die
Son you came here to live"

As I listened to the words set to melody and saw the feeling on the face of the singer, my own raw emotions from over two years ago came rushing back in sharp waves. Nothing was certain those early days or weeks, but as time passed it was apparent to everyone that our son came here to live. God was with him before he entered this world and gave Gabriel the strength he needed - to give us all the faith we needed to get through a seemingly impossible situation. Gabriel means "strength from God" and was chosen very deliberately. He came here to live, and he is, not just physically either. He is stubborn and lively and engaging and strong-willed! Tempermental and joyful all wrapped into one. He makes us laugh daily, whether he has stuck out his stubborn lip and lowered his eyebrows or is peeking back at us upside down through his legs, grinning.

The body is weak and not meant as permanent housing, we all know that. We've witnessed the miracle of modern medicine and all that can be accomplished, or "saved" so to speak. We may win physical battles along the way, eat healthy, exercise, beat the flu, beat cancer and survive physically against all odds, but in the end, eventually, the body will fail us. We may win the battles, but we'll never win the war. In all its glory and wonder of perfect design, the body was designed to be temporary. I'm not suggesting all of this as a reason not to take care of our physical selves, quite the opposite. We have an undetermined amount of time in this one body and the more time we have here, the more time we have to win the spiritual war, which IS possible.

Dad taught me not to worry about things I can't control - which is most things. But I also learned that there are a very few things within my control - such as my own actions and responses to what happens to me, that IS beyond my control. (ok, that was as clear as mud, but if you read it a few times, it makes sense) I am still learning, but am getting better I think, a little wiser. I can choose to be unhappy or grumpy, which is necessary sometimes, and then I am able to choose happiness. To get over myself and those things I can't change - if I don't love something about my life, there may not be a lot of options, but I am learning to work as a team with what I have to fix it. We're here to live - to live! There is more than one way to die - physically, emotionally, spiritually...and through my infant son and God's grace, I have learned that I too came here to live!