I forgot about something, deliberately or inadvertently, I am not sure.

We rarely miss Grey's Anatomy - either "live" or on dvr. This week a child was running out of time, seemingly HAD run out of time, and his doctors brought in his mother and told her to help him let go. She held his hands and told him how much she loved him. Then she whispered that he could go, she would be ok and he shouldn't worry about her. Ofcourse Josh and I are sitting on the couch and I am unable to swallow for the lump in my throat. We aren't speaking to each other because we know where our thoughts are. It turns out I didn't know as much as I thought I did.

Last night we are both having trouble sleeping and we are lying in bed talking, mostly about Father Gregory's homily. I missed it since I was teaching the children's liturgy, but it had been on Josh's mind most of the day and he relayed what he remembered to me. The homily centered around FOCA and Father, in the eloquent way he has, explained things in a way that takes a seemingly complicated topic and makes it really quite simple. The point I am weaving my way around to is the sensitivity it touches off in us, how we begged God for our child's life and were blessed. It is impossible for us to entertain willfully ending a child's life, at any stage. The parallels are starting to converge. I had our experience with Gabe swirling around in my mind while watching a fictional family experience real emotions...Josh was remembering something a little more specific...something I forgot. He reminded me last night. May 25th 2007, we are at Gabriel's bedside, just the two of us, watching him fight for life. We know that very soon Dr. Rouse will come back and give us hope or likely tell us there is nothing more than can do. I am holding Gabriel's hands and pleading for him to stay with us...then I concede that it is ok for him to go. We prayed together and apart quite a bit during that time and I remember begging God to fix him, to let him stay with us. I also remember finally praying that if he couldn't be fixed here, that Jesus would hold him and free him from pain. I forgot I said it out loud to Gabriel, but Josh hadn't forgotten. I can't imagine what he must felt standing there, hearing me say that to our baby son.

I don't know why this is coming out now - but it has been a strange week of revisiting. The week began with our discharge from First Steps, then Gabe's completely normal well-baby check, then the fictional TV show that took us back to a very real near loss. Friday night I got to have a late dinner with a friend who was with us in the NICU, just after I said those words to Gabriel and just before Dr. Rouse came back from reviewing his xrays - we talked about those moments this past Friday night and I don't think we had before. Everything happens for a reason - no coincidences.