I forgot about something, deliberately or inadvertently, I am not sure.

We rarely miss Grey's Anatomy - either "live" or on dvr. This week a child was running out of time, seemingly HAD run out of time, and his doctors brought in his mother and told her to help him let go. She held his hands and told him how much she loved him. Then she whispered that he could go, she would be ok and he shouldn't worry about her. Ofcourse Josh and I are sitting on the couch and I am unable to swallow for the lump in my throat. We aren't speaking to each other because we know where our thoughts are. It turns out I didn't know as much as I thought I did.

Last night we are both having trouble sleeping and we are lying in bed talking, mostly about Father Gregory's homily. I missed it since I was teaching the children's liturgy, but it had been on Josh's mind most of the day and he relayed what he remembered to me. The homily centered around FOCA and Father, in the eloquent way he has, explained things in a way that takes a seemingly complicated topic and makes it really quite simple. The point I am weaving my way around to is the sensitivity it touches off in us, how we begged God for our child's life and were blessed. It is impossible for us to entertain willfully ending a child's life, at any stage. The parallels are starting to converge. I had our experience with Gabe swirling around in my mind while watching a fictional family experience real emotions...Josh was remembering something a little more specific...something I forgot. He reminded me last night. May 25th 2007, we are at Gabriel's bedside, just the two of us, watching him fight for life. We know that very soon Dr. Rouse will come back and give us hope or likely tell us there is nothing more than can do. I am holding Gabriel's hands and pleading for him to stay with us...then I concede that it is ok for him to go. We prayed together and apart quite a bit during that time and I remember begging God to fix him, to let him stay with us. I also remember finally praying that if he couldn't be fixed here, that Jesus would hold him and free him from pain. I forgot I said it out loud to Gabriel, but Josh hadn't forgotten. I can't imagine what he must felt standing there, hearing me say that to our baby son.

I don't know why this is coming out now - but it has been a strange week of revisiting. The week began with our discharge from First Steps, then Gabe's completely normal well-baby check, then the fictional TV show that took us back to a very real near loss. Friday night I got to have a late dinner with a friend who was with us in the NICU, just after I said those words to Gabriel and just before Dr. Rouse came back from reviewing his xrays - we talked about those moments this past Friday night and I don't think we had before. Everything happens for a reason - no coincidences.

Gabe had a well-baby visit yesterday - and everyone was not only happy to see him and his big brothers, but thrilled with his progress. The nurse asked me what therapy he was receiving and I was able to report that on Monday (the day before the appointment) we signed our official discharge papers from First Steps. There is nothing we need from the program any longer - no OT, no PT, no developmental therapy of any kind necessary. She stared at me for a second and then gave us all a big small saying, "Isn't that amazing! What a miracle boy". Couldn't argue with her on that one. She weighed him, took all of his measurements and then we waited for Dr. Voyles. When he came in, we went over the charts and discussed the percentiles. Last year, about this time we were just weaning from the tube after Gabe's nasty flu - his weight was dropping and we were struggling to keep the weight on and still be allowed to push for oral feedings and limited tube feedings...we were slipping below the 20th percentile and keeping a close eye on his diet and his weight. Yesterday he weighed in at 26 lbs - which put him at the 45th percentile!! Height was in the 55th percentile. He is right in the middle - right in the NORMAL range. What more could we ask for? We went on to discuss all of the age-appropriate milestones from speech and receptive language to climbing and eating habits! Dr. Voyles examined him then looked at me and asked, "Do you ever just forget how he started out in life?" I responded "no" but knew what he was getting at. Everything we and our team of therapists and medical professionals have worked for the past 20 months (plus more if you include maternity) has pretty much been achieved. It would be easy to forget how we started out just to look at him. If you didn't know us or Gabe and his story and we met somewhere - you would never guess what he had been through. You wouldn't even get a feeling or suspicion. He chatters and learns new words all the time, he smiles, laughs, plays and throws fits. He eats all kinds of new foods - and throws other new foods on the floor, then watches to see how quickly the dog scampers over to clean it up. He spits at the table and then laughs and spits harder when his brothers laugh at him. He loves to climb up and down the basement stairs, carries his own dirty clothes to the hamper, smiles and flirts coyly with strangers, plays peek-a-boo and bangs metal bowls with a wooden spoon. He is just like any other budding toddler. He bears the physical scars that continue to fade, but will never vanish - just as we thankfully bear all of the emotional ones. Those scars are not quite faded enough for me to say "yes, sometimes I DO forget". But I suppose the longer we function under the guise of normalcy, the more possible that may be. I don't want to look at him and think about how close we came to never knowing this little boy and the helpless anguish of those first hours, days and weeks..., but I'm not sure I want to completely forget either. It is amazing how simple and simultaneously complicated my thoughts can be at times. As we have done in the past, we will be thankful for where we are, remain vigilant and not dwell on what may yet lie ahead. Thanks again for coming along on this journey - the here and now is a wonderful place to be!

Merry Christmas

I sit here this Christmas morning, surprised to be waiting on two children to wake up. Well, maybe not. Gabe was up for a while last night, and he doesn't quite get the sense of anticipation just yet. Justin WAS up at 5 AM, but we sent him back to bed, and he is still sleeping. So Kendrick is patiently (no really, he is pretty content to wait!) waiting for his brothers to start shredding into the many colored packages around the tree.

Last night, after returning from the Children's Mass, we lit candles on cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to baby Jesus and go Grandma Maggie - who shares this special birthday. We try to interject the true reason behind the celebration whenever we can, and they do a good job of paying tribute to baby Jesus right along with Santa. When Justin asked how Santa really knew if everyone was being nice or naughty, I told him since Jesus was everywhere, so He tells Santa. That satisfied Justin for now. We can only hope the magic lasts.

Our greatest gift this year is a happy healthy family. Gabriel was discharged from OT this month, just as we thought he would be. This was the last discipline for First Steps we were involved in. It was another bittersweet farewell as we move on in this amazing journey. I talked to the mother of an Autistic child last week and she mentioned that he has therapy several times a week with many different disciplines. It was a reminder that despite Gabriel's tenuous beginning, we are incredibly blessed not only to have him here, but also to see him function as a normal child. He had another echocardiogram this past Monday and we will get another xray next week to continue monitoring his progress and his patch, but we no longer hold our breath in anticipation of these results. We feel comfortable all will show that he continues maintain health and the patch is holding. Some day we know that these results may be different, but we are enjoying today and all that we have to be thankful for. Christ is here in our lives every day and we welcome the opportunity to welcome Him again and again - especially on this holiest of days. We wish God's blessing to you and your families and hope you can feel that same sense of awe and hope that must have been felt that first Christmas by shephards and kings alike.

Merry CHRISTmas!

One more thing

It seems that throughout our journey this past couple of years, there have been plenty of "one more thing" moments. This time it is a definite positive. Karen, our physical therapist, has officially discharged Gabe from PT. The goals we set just about a month ago have been met. Gabe continues to amaze everyone. She evaluated him to be sure he was really ready for discharge and I signed my last physical therapy progress report. As we talked about Gabe and thought back to where we started, I think she was tearing up a little bit, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. We've been so blessed with wonderful and talented people caring for Gabriel even before he was here. Our therapists fit right in. During yesterday's session, we probably did more talking than therapy. She frequently works with Ginger, our OT, and they talk about Gabe all the time. They are both amazed at how quickly this day has come, despite the odds. This is the first DH baby she has worked with who has left First Steps. Typically they still need some therapy beyond age three. What makes it even more amazing is not only how quickly he has achieved his goals, but how quickly he did it with the size and seriousness of his defect. We talked about that too, about where we started. She asked questions about the prenatal timeline and that first week at Riley. I went back to places in my mind I don't visit too often anymore and brought up questions in my own mind I may never have voiced. There are so many unknowns about his development and what happened - both how and why. They are questions that cannot be answered and do no good to revisit, but it's human nature I think. I relayed the shock we felt that first night when we learned Gabe might not survive. I remember the compassion of everyone involved and how they patiently tried to explain the unthinkable. I also remember falling asleep with my head on his bed and then being wheeled back to my own room to get some sleep so we could come back and face a new day and whatever it might bring us. I remember the questions that swirled around in my drug-induced fog of a mind and how they bounced into the events of the day and all we were trying to process. I remember thinking about the countless ultrasounds we'd had over the past months and desperately repeating to myself, "but I saw him practice breathing, how can we be faced with this now".

We talked and relived and in the end just did what we have always done, quieted the questions and enjoyed the moment. As it was the day we were discharged from Riley, it was a bittersweet day. A proud moment tinged with some sadness that we wouldn't see this person every week anymore. Such is life. We will likely go through it again next month as Ginger thinks our next OT session will also be the last one.

I just updated our family blog and the following is Gabe's excerpt of that larger entry, for those of you who are just checking in here. As always feel free to look in on the whole family if you like, sorry if it is a little long winded!

Gabe is coming right along in therapy and is likely to drop next month from OT and PT every week to OT once a MONTH and PT every other week. Amazing. Our most significant accomplishment is probably staying clear of the ER in over a month (knock on head). He has only been to the doctor for a flu shot recently, and last month's check up with Surgery and Pulmonary.

He is babbling more and more, starting to slowly add actual words and now has four consistent signs: more, eat, milk & please. He pretty much walks everywhere, looking very much like a little old man as he goes. This past Friday we made a quick trip to Indy for the members preview of the "Haunted Train" at the Children's museum and then a small reunion with some of the night nurses who took care of him. We haven't had much opportunity to visit with the night nurses, so we were very excited to stop in. Tabatha and Amanda fussed over Gabe's transformation from the last time they had seen him, and the boys' costumes from the party at the museum. As we were preparing to leave, we even ran into Dr. Rouse, who did a double-take seeing little Gabe the lion, accompanied by the Scarecrow and Tin man!! It was cute.

Walking!

Make a Smilebox postcard

During PT this morning, Gabe took about 10 steps!! He would take them 2-3 at a time, then stand a bit, but he took 10 steps before he sat down again. He began standing for extended periods of time just a few days after his last surgery, now the walking! It makes us really wonder how long this hernia had been bothering him and how much it had been slowing him down! Enjoy the video clips - and thanks for all of your prayers and support! We are certainly rejoicing this "big step" - all of them!

There's always SOMEthing...

Do I begin with last night, or Friday night? I guess I'll start with Friday.

I had to work Friday afternoon, so the first part is second-hand. Apparently Gabriel woke up screaming from his nap and didn't settle down easily at all. He then started throwing up and continued alternating between general malaise and vomiting for the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. When I got home from work, Josh and I took turns holding him, eating, feeding other kids, etc... Around 8ish, I went to change his diaper and noticed something different. There was a lump about the size of a large green grape under the skin just to the right of his penis. Well that didn't look right and I called Josh over. We didn't make the obvious conclusion right away, feeling just a little confused after all about something that we hadn't seen before, but as we were sitting on hold with the after hours clinic, Josh stated the obvious and I had a "duh" moment. Hernia - the regular kind. By the time the nurse came on, we pretty well knew we would be heading to the ER, being that it was now nearly 9 on a Friday night. That's where we went and much to our surprise, after explaining the situation, we pulled back the diaper tabs and our jaws dropped when there was no protrusion anymore. They did xrays to make sure there were no intestinal blockages, gave him some pedialyte and once satisfied that the vomiting was over, sent us home with instructions to return to the ER should it pop back out again. The rest of the night and all day Saturday, Gabe was fine. That night, it popped back out again - so I called in the calvary and hopped back over to the ER with the same results. After another couple of hours (Saturday night on a holiday weekend is not a good time to be in the ER) another doctor reconfirmed it had to be a hernia, but to take him home and get in touch with a surgeon Tuesday, when offices were open. He added that if it popped out again and we could massage it back in, we didn't need to come back. Sunday it did come out again, but I massaged the area, the lump seemed to fade away, Gabe was content, so we stayed home. Monday night (sounding like a broken record? I feel like one) Gabe really started to fuss around 7:30, I checked and sure enough, it was back out but he wouldn't tolerate any touching this time. He wouldn't even put his knees down when I picked him up. The ER docs and the on-call surgeon couldn't coax it back in either. So a little after midnight last night they took him into surgery and fixed it. We spent the night in the peds floor and just got home a little while ago. He is sleeping and I think I want to do that too.